She knows better.

"She's not like that now. She knows better . She knows now that people lie , and promises can be broken as quick as they are made . She understands that she might never be loved , and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them . She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for awhile, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy , but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best . You can't always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend . Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not , its gonna hurt like hell . But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge . You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you . And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be . But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner."

"you believe easily that which you hope for earnestly."

I'm sick on the first full day of break. yaaaaayz!

My poor little sister has thrown up like three times today. It's really sad, she wants her mom. But my mom's at work, so I kind of have to step in and play mommy for the day. I don't really have a lot to blog about, besides this whole being sick thing everything is going wonderful! I'm driving up to Georgetown on Monday and having an early Christmas with my mom's side of the family. I'm really excited, I haven't really made a whole lot of plans for the break yet. I'm taking everything one day at a time.

PS- Happy Biiiiirthday to Mr. Zackary Neallll!

but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... -American Beauty

I STILL have not been to Lights at the Zoo. :|

The years go by. The time, it does fly. Every single second is a moment in time that passes oh so quick and it seems like nothing. But when you’re looking back … well, it amounts to everything. -Ray Bradburry, Catch 22

Christmas was always so fun back when everything seemed magical. Thank God for Emma, she allows me to still see Christmas in the eyes of a four-year-old. ♥

We're growing up, we're really growing up. It's crazy, I couldn't stand the thought of losing friends last year at graduation. It's only going to get worse with each graduating class though. It's so sad, honestly. Yeah, I want to grow up. Yeah, I want to get out of Lugoff. But I've lived my whole life for tomorrow, for the future, for the next step. It's like where I've been has never been good enough. Just when everything is going good, something happens. I think right now, at this moment, is probably the most content I've been throughout 2010. I mean there's about 15 days left until 2011. November and December have flown by, this whole year has flown by. Tomorrow is a half day, and then it's officially Christmas Break. First semester is almost over! I'm kind of scared for next semester, it should be pretty hard compared to this semester. I'm excited about having new classes with new people though! I'm really going to miss yearbook and art though. It's weird, I went into my algebra two class and art one class thinking I'd be miserable all semester and yet, I've made a new group of friends thanks to Algebra and Art- oh my gosh, I was so scared. That class has honestly kicked my butt all semester. It hasn't been easy, but Riches told me from the start that I'd be fine. He was right. I even got recommended for art two. Yearbook was just as stressful as everyone promised. Fortunately, we have a really close staff, and going in there every day to every body just made every deadline that much easier.

I don't think I have plans for lunch tomorrow because I think Courtney is staying with Lindsey, therefore, I need plans. All Saturday will probably be dedicated to this wrestling tournament, yay.... and then Monday I'm leaving to spend a couple of days in Georgetown for an early Christmas!

He said something that didn't mean as much then as it does now. He told me that things happen in life that you can't stop, but it wasn't a reason to shut out the world. I realize that I have been so afraid of the bad things that I missed out on the good, you know? I didn't want to come back here, but I'm really glad that I did. I have forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends ... really lucky to have this place and each other. There's a part of me that would like to stay here forever. ~ Now and Then

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."

"Remember that when life knocks you down to your knees you are in the perfect position to pray."

I had a good day, no nonsense will be coming from my mouth today.

I'm just a raggedy ann girl living in this barbie doll world.

My Monday was pretty great. I can't believe how fast the semester has flown by. Yearbook is stressing me out though. Messy did get a pretty sweet recognition today from some lady who judges books nationally. "the saga of traveling yearbooks." okay! Art will be the death of me, yet I'm taking Art 2 next year. My room is all out of Feng shui because it's full of art projects and clothes. I need to dye my hair, and make sure my grades are still up to par. I haven't been able to fall asleep early lately and it's messing me up in the morning. I'm relying more and more on coffee in the morning... Not good!

For the record, I don't NEED a boy to make me happy. I think that's ridiculous to hear people say that they need someone else for a reason that's absurd. You determine whether you're happy or not and in the end not many people if any are going to be able to say they've been there for you for an extended period of time. I can either be really emotional or the absolute opposite. Normally I'm pretty emotional unless I know it's going to directly effect some one else. I'll cry in front of anybody and I can be really vulnerable to letting other people control me. I hate that! I'm one of those people that can hold conversations with old people in check out lines and honestly enjoy them-self. I'm a peoples' person, I care about people too much and that's what sets me up for failure so much. I can't stand seeing people making stupid, stubborn decisions. But you have to respect them and let them make their own decisions and pray that one day they'll come to terms.

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad

"you gotta cry before you sing."

I'm not sure when the last time I posted a blog was, but it's been a couple of days...

Overall things have been going SO good. School's been going slow, but it's always like that after Thanksgiving. I don't know what it's been lately, but I've met a lot of new people. My phone's been going off non-stop and I've surrounded myself with so many people. I think that's what I needed though. Distractions. My family seems a lot more cheesy and lame this time of year, but it's cute. Emma depends on me for so much and I've honestly been trying to enjoy all this time I've had with her. She's not going to be little forever, I already miss the days when she was just learning to walk. She starts Kindergarten next August. Crazy right?! Apparently everybody from Lugoff and their cousin got accepted to USC this weekend. I'm pretty jealous, but so-so happy for everybody! Congrats! I went to church this morning and saw... Mrs. White. Who woulda' thunk it- Mrs. White has been going to my church as long as I have and yet- I never see the lady. ..Just my luck! My Papa came down from Georgetown to take my brother and myself Christmas shopping. I'm probably more excited about Christmas this year then I have ever been! December 12th has held a bit of secret significance to me. Now that it's here though, it's funny. A month ago at this very moment I was watching Lugoff-Elgin play Ashley Ridge. If you had asked me where I'd be right now I sure wouldn't have told you I had already been through a relationship, many fights, drama, tears, more tears, and lying. Then again, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that I've gotten A LOT closer to certain people and mended old friendships and been completely satisfied with where I stood in school and life in general. I never would have told you I'd been stalked my a 19-year-old pedophile who should go to prison. I never would've told you that I've been able to see more family in a month then I normally see in a year. It's honestly so crazy how fast things can change.

If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it

5 days until Christmas Break! ♥

The Prayer - Kid Cudi

Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.

"Three things in life should never be broken: toys, promises and hearts."

I need a moment to vent- so skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear my crap I guess.

I swear I have a stressing disorder of some type. I STILL haven't finished that charcoal drawing that's due Friday. I'm in desperate need of pictures for two yearbook spreads, because d3's deadline is Monday and I know at least one spread won't be finished... I REALLY hate having scoliosis. It's seriously the most contributing factor to any pain I'm in. It's not fair, some people have scoliosis at almost 30degrees but the curve isn't in a bad spot and it doesn't effect them. Mine curves straight into my shoulder pain and hip bone. So it's like my lower back and shoulder are constantly yelling at me. OH- and I hate cold weather. I can't dress cute, and I feel like dying every time I walk outside. Cold weather almost promises me getting sick. I out grew asthma when I was little, but I still get symptoms and it can be really scary. Tonight I went to go take a shower and I got this kick right in my lungs. I couldn't take deep breathes or anything for like 7/8 minutes. I basically hunched over my stomach on the ground and took short quick breathes through my nose and tried to 'work it out.' It's one of those in the moment- type of things. Ugh.

Wow, that's all SO lame... I could've added so much more, but I won't. Ha

On the up side!

I'm doing really good in all of my classes now and If I can just get through this week, next week should be a breeze! I still have to get 'Secret Santa' and regular gifts for people. I'm SO excited for Christmas! ..I would really, really, REALLY love to go to Lights at the Zoo this weekend too! So yeah, anybody?! I have a WHOLE lot of thinking to do, and I hate how things might change for me and some people soon. Why can't things just be 'normal' for one week....?

I don't think I've ever been this serious about thinking through something before. Not a boy, or something materialistic. ..My life. I've seriously been considering early graduation, by a whole year. I've looked forward to being a senior of '13 forever, but I honestly just want to get out. I might go into details later, but if anyone has aaaany words of wisdom- pleaaaaase share. :/

-

A name was mentioned tonight that I haven't heard in a LONG time, it was sad. Because I miss that person, and even though he's watching down on everyone right now, it's just weird to think that I can't just see this person any more. ..still, I mean it's gotten easier. It's almost been 2 years, which is insane and almost unbelievable. Gosh, it still gives me goosebumps.

To everyone out there- please be smart, make smart choices. I'm not saying don't have fun, but I seriously couldn't imagine losing anyone else. It's not easy, and almost every situation is preventable. I'm at the point now where losing people I depend on is something that happens quite frequently. But there's a difference from losing someone and having someone taken from you....

So, I've been thinking about this whole being happy thing, and I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy; we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry, it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness more often.
-One Tree Hill

The lower your self-esteem is, the more likely you are to believe that someone else holds the key to your happiness.

hope.

"you held your head like a hero."

I am not a word, I am not a line

I am not a girl that can ever be defined

I am not fly, I am levitation

I represent an entire generation

I hear the criticism loud and clear

That is how I know that the time is near

So we become alive in a time of fear

Nikki Minaj featuring Rihanna - Fly

I had a pretty ballin' Friday night, no lie. School went pretty great, as it has been going all week. I'm pretty sure I made a 100 on an Algebra test we took earlier this week and I made this graph thing in there today that spelled out "HOPE." It was pretty precious and held a lot of meaning. Then Yearbook and Art flew by and it was time for the weekend! Score! Tonight just added to all the greatness. I went to the game with Case and Kayley. Hahahah. Rides with them are always fun! I got to see just about everyone I could've imagined tonight and then some. Lady Demons won like 54-45...? and then THE Demons won 69-60. Camden and Lugoff did SO good though. They took it into overtime, but after that it was just Lugoff's game. Good game everybody! I got home later then I planned, my room is a mess, and my mom's at work... but oh well! The only bad part of today would have to be looking like a hippie and wearing jeans that turned me into Neytiri from Avatar.... Currently I just finished watching another Christmas movie and now The Office. Ah!

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?” - Bob Marley

In the past I've put myself with the wrong 'group' of people. It's been the cause of some bad things for me too. In the past few days though I've realized that's changed though. I'm not as close to some people as I use to be and I miss that. But I've become so much more of a positive, 'bubbly' person. I was talking to someone and said something about being scared to meet somebody new because I didn't want the wrong impression to come off and they told me that they have yet to see someone meet me and not like who I am. I'm not sure what that says about myself or the type of person I come off as, but I don't try to win people's approval as much as I should. But then again I love knowing that I'm 'liked' and that I can be completely comfortable with where I am.

Here's my shout outs for the night:

-Kayley Miles, Two nights in a row we've almost died in Case's car, but hey! We're still here!

-Case Horton, You scare me and your house looks so pretty during Christmas! haa

-Justin Gilstrap, Whiplash. Enough said.

-Isabel Olano, I've seen you twice in ONE week. Yaaaayz!

-Lindsey Marshall, We waste so much time in first block. haa

-Jennifer Stokes, I love our conversations!

14 more days until break!

22 more days until Christmas!

It's like you hear a song on the radio, but you've just gotta see what else is playing before you decide you actually want to listen to that song. What happens if a great song comes on and you missed it though, so you flip back, but all you get is the news and then you went from something to nothing.

Psalms 16: 8

- I wish I could say I'm completely true to this.

"And I wouldn't change a thing"

I'd walk right back through the rain

Last night/ today- it was all pretty grand! I love December. I can tell already it's going to be a cold winter, but that means snow! So that's alright! I really need to get completely on top of my grades, I could come off this semester with all a's. Gosh, that'd be nice. I'm SO ready for Christmas break though. I'm tired of waking up so early and stressing over stupid things. I was in the mood to bum it out, but yet- be productive..? It was weird- I somewhat paid attention in History, paid attention in Algebra, helped Anna in Yearbook, and got a lot done on my charcoal drawing in Art. Exciting yeah? Then after school I stayed with Lindsey and other j1's in yearbook and worked on my spread. All night long I feel like I've had these 'deep talks' with people all day long. I really have a lot of people to thank for the past week, but I'm not making all of that viral just yet. Change is always my blog topic, just like everyone else. But there's always a reason behind it. I really just hope that through all of this change, and crazyness going on through high school, I just hope I find myself.. If that makes any sense...

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find

Here- Rascal Flatts

Oh my gosh, I just realized my eleven-year-old brother has the mouth of a sailor.. BOO.

PS- 25 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!